I wonder if it’s possible to count all the things that we do as humans to try to control things. I don’t think that it’s countable because every person is so different.

We really do try to control things. Like, almost everything, and it’s funny because me, as a person enjoys spontaneity, and I’m not risk-averse, so it mystifies me the things that I could possibly conjure up and the habits I have created and the way in which I have brainwashed myself to control things.

Certain specific things, though. Namely everything about me. My personality, my physical body, my emotional-self and how Iam perceived.

Clearly I’ve been brainwashed as we all have been. Because our brains are moldable. We are taking information from everywhere but it’s interesting to me because I perpetuate the brainwashing from other people’s voices and I know how powerful that can be and yet for some reason when I try to brainwash myself in a good way it just doesn’t stick.

I can manifest a panic attack in .05 seconds but I just cannot manifest that winning lottery ticket.

Consciously, I understand how powerful we as humans are. I know how powerful I am, but I think the problem is, when you hold on so tightly you think you’re doing something good but you actually aren’t. We should keep in mind and remember our dreams and the things we want and the person we want to be, and the habits we want to have, but when things slip, we tend to be really very hard on ourselves and THAT is because this illusionary thing is losing its ground. When we have human moments we knock ourselves down even more. That “knocking down” IS THE CONTROL.

I have been brainwashed for many many many years working a 9-to-5 job and by brainwash I mean, time. I live and breathe by time. Monday through Friday, Saturday and Sunday, weekday, workday, weekend, lunch break. Everything is measured by time and when you do this long enough, you become a robot living by time.

So, when I’m fully present and living in the moment, even if I’m doing something I don’t want to do there is a level of feeling out of control because I’m not thinking about the time.

And, like most things, either the idea of it sounds awesome or sounds terrifying and if I were to sit here and think about having no idea what time it was, that is actually kind of terrifying. What if we didn’t have to work a 9 to 5 or whatever the thing is for you. What if we didn’t do that? The idea of it sounds awesome but it’s also very scary because your brain doesn’t recognize that life.

And that’s scary in itself. It says if we don’t have control over this brain of ours,because it is so moldable, and the habits we do, and the structures we have, our brain and body get used to that and people say that you have control over it, but in many ways we don’t because as much as things are internal, we also have systemic lives as well. So, we do kind of have to follow other structures and routines,. The question is, how do you keep yourself from becoming that robot? Like all things in life, it is a paradox. The brain being malleable is exciting! And terrifying.